freedom?

I say that i’m free...
But really my life has become a confusion with worms and big monkeys, floating in my dark, creative, stupid, and paranoid little mind...
I try to imagine my life without them, in a world where no one can touch me, nothing can mess me up... but then i look around and nothing is the way it’s supposed to be...
So am i really free?
I’m stuck between these words, in this body, trying to reach the top by being ME... probably this makes me a fake showing, something that i pretend that i have...
Maybe i think too much, maybe i try too hard... i don’t Know!! [?]
Here i am, using the “I” as many times as i can count, when the world out there is a mess...
But i´m just a person, of this world, and i can’t fix it alone...
So insignificant, so little, in the middle of nothing... but here i am...
HERE I AM.....

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most of the people don't know the real me...
maybe it's for the best....

the light...

Today i saw the light...
No i didn’t almost die, i just felt alive for once...
Not from doing something crazy, but from seeing what i have left to do in this world..
I’m so young; I’m going to do so much more...
I realised that: “I’m not ready to give up yet... they didn’t defeat after all ”
(It’s good, no wait it’s great, to go from where i was to this simple thought, [i've been so lost] ...)
I almost felt the bottom again, and then i woke up, in this bright morning...
And realised that I want to go to the beach one more time, i want to see the sunshine again, i want to go out with my friends, i want to find out who’s made for me...
I don’t know how many hours or a day this “weird, nostalgic fase” will last, tomorrow i can go depressed again, that’s why i made this note, to remind myself...
Today i saw the light!!
And i felt like i deserve to be accepted...
Could this be hOpe?? Or it’s just the pills i’ve been taking...?
I don’t know.. but today i don’t really care.. i was able to enjoy a simple song, able to enjoy the sun.. The stupid simple little things... these things can keep us alive..
I felt myself... just mE!!

(now to the bottom again...)
Like He said there is no perfect Balance...
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tantas coisas que me ocorreram a escrever isto.. mas so consegui canalizar estas ideias!

para o proximo mais.. ja aprendi muito!

Deolinda - Clandestino

A noite vinha fria
Negras sombras a rondavam
Era meia-noite
E o meu amor tardava

A nossa casa, a nossa vida
Foi de novo revirada
À meia-noite
O meu amor não estava

Ai, eu não sei aonde ele está
Se à nossa casa voltará
Foi esse o nosso compromisso

E acaso nos tocar o azar
O combinado é não esperar
Que o nosso amor é clandestino

Com o bebé, escondida,
Quis lá eu saber, esperei
Era meia-noite
E o meu amor tardava

E arranhada pelas silvas
Sei lá eu o que desejei:
Não voltar nunca...
Amantes, outra casa...

E quando ele por fim chegou
Trazia flores que apanhou
E um brinquedo pró menino

E quando a guarda apontou
Fui eu quem o abraçou
O nosso amor é clandestino.

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simplesmente Brilhante.. adoro!!

Nao perguntem porque!

Gostaria de te tirar todo o peso que sentes, tirar te toda a dor e fazer te sentir as maravilhas do mundo, mostrar te que há mais e que vale a pena...

quero proteger te, quero simplesmente que sejas feliz, mas como nao me é possivel concretizar todos estes queros, digo te simplesmente que tens todo o meu apoio, carinho, compaixao, nunca te vou deixar sozinha!

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Para as minhas duas joanas...!!

adorovos apesar de nao o mostrar na totalidade..!

"know that you're crying,
I know how many pieces of you are dying.

I know how much it hurts to see them go,
I know that you hate it, when the tears decide to flow.

I know that you feel so alone,
I know that you're lost inside your own home.

I know that you've tried... and tried,
I know that it was all for nothing... if not all cast aside.

I know that no one seems to care,
I know that nothing around you seems fair.

I know what it is you're going through,
But I know of an angel... crying with you."


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nao sei quem foi que escreveu isto, nem se fui eu nao, numa de limpeza dos meus documentos e encontrei isto.. sensibilizou me.. nao entendo bem porque.. mas sensibilizou!

É dificil encontrar alguém que nos consiga comprender porque ja passou pelo mesmo...
Quando encontramos é dificil convencer essa pessoa a ficar porque talvez ate valemos a pena...
ja nao sei.. fiquei sem soluçoes para a merda de escolhas que fiz na merda da minha vida...
mas depois dá me vontade de fugir, para longe, sem destino, começar de novo sem desistir, e tentar nao fazer as mesmas escolhas... para poder saber se algum dia deixarei alguma coisa boa de mim neste mundo...

be with you...

[when i'm with him...]

time keeps passing by...

while he plays with my fingers...

i listen to his voice...

whispering in my hears....

words i never forget...

and he old's me in his arms...

making me feel the saffest person..

but time keeps passing by...

non stoping!!

don't leave me...

emptyness (pain in the chest) -saudade-

Every footstep you give, every time your picture appears, every time i look at your very distant eyes, my heart dyes a little bit more. It’s just another stab with a knife that i take...
Horrible! i can even think any more... it hurts... but it’s my entire fault, i’m too unbearable, too agonises, too weird.. in the end too weak!
i will never forget, that night when you left, at the front of my house... all alone, crying my heart out... the tears runing through my face, i never felt so insignificant, so little in this big scary, and dark world!! i will never forget it...
Now you made your choice... i’m not coming back... no matter what, you hurt me deep... really bad... my heart is always bleeding...no way i can stop this mess...!!
All i have left are our good and sometimes painful memories... you and me in the rain.. you and me walking like there was no tomorrow!! It’s all i have left!!

this and the feeling of emptyness.. like it's not worth it to keep going... no more figthing (for what??) whats the point you are all going to die!!

Why does this keeps happening to me…

I keep thinking that I just don´t deserve anything good!

I feel like shit! I keep screwing it up… I should put an end to this! i sick of pretending that everything is okay, everybody is looking at me like I’m some kind of monster! Maybe I’m…

Maybe I do deserve to be left alone!

I´m no good…. Nobody wants a broken one… no matter what I do, I can´t keep up, they keep putting me down! Shit, dawn!! The words keep getting out of my dark and twisted mind, i need some action… why don´t I cut my self this time for good?? Why don´t I just get it over with… get it done… stop saying and writing this foolish stuff and…JUST END IT!!

The answer is because I’m weak… I’m always hiding, under this shell!!!

No one will ever know the true me, no one can know, even I am not shore of who I am! Even better: no one wants to know the real me! I´m doomed, to hide the rest of my self!

Don´t know why I keep doing this… sometimes I just want to give up!

And probably this letter or whatever this as became won’t change a thing, probably no one will notice that I wrote it… that’s because maybe no one cares! But whatever, I’m learning ….

Learning how to gain control!!!

The problem is I doesn´t matter anymore… the only thing we have left is Death, nothing else! :/