A pensar....

Pensei que importasse, pensei que fizesse diferença e provocá - se a mudança, mas É apenas substituivel.. se sair, se fahar, se cair, pisam passam por cima, limitam - se a fazer o trabalho e pensar que nem sequer existe....

----------------------------------------------

Completly reaplaceble....

Little hunt in this big, big world...!

LIFE,,,

Continuo a ouvir os teus gritos na minha mente, consigo senti – los a rasgar a minha carne como se fossem laminas… sempre que fecho os meus olhos la estas tu a gritar a pedir para que voltasse, para que nada tivesse acontecido como aconteceu, sei la mais o que é que se passava na tua mente em perfeito delírio… perdoa me pois não consegui acalmar a tua dor limitei me a amparar a tua queda e a segurar te nos braços enquanto tu gritavas… perdoa me pois esse momento nunca me saiu da mente…e deixo me então ficar calada no meu tormento aguentando toda a minha raiva de não ter feito nada para te aliviar a dor…

-----------------------------------------
quiet and alone in my little place...

vida

"no seguimento da vida pelo destino traçado ha uma morte escondida que nao tem hora marcada!"

--------------------------
enjoy it with no regreat!

Pergunta!

Grande pergunta a que penso que todos nós tentamos encontrar respostas, sem sucesso… porque e que nada se torna como nos queremos… nada e um pouco exagerado, apenas aquelas coisas que realmente queremos com toda a força do nosso ser, essas sim falham sempre… teremos nós que nos contentar com segundos melhores? Porque não podemos ter os tais primeiros que toda a gente quer…
Provavelmente não me faço entender, raramente faço, e sim sei que sou nova e que o meu percurso ainda é pequenino, mas deixem de usar isso como desculpa para me ajudarem a sofrer mais do que por natureza já sofro… só por ser nova não quer dizer que tenha que bater com a cabeça na parede sem haver necessidade…
Não me costumo arrepender de nada… mas as vezes desejo que as coisas tivessem sido diferentes, que eu não tivesse necessidade de mais, e que não tivesse confiado tanto…
Estou cansada, quero dormir em paz, quero parar no tempo… estou triste com o mundo que me rodeia...

don't even know how do i feel exactly...

i do not believe that it's all hapening again...

whatever....

Surrender

Tired of silly games…
Games of seduction, games that mess up my head, tired of trying to find out what they mean
Tired of listening to them whispering at my ears, saying things that I don’t even care…
Tired of trying to feel free through them…
Most tired of playing their game…!!
But now
I’m breaking free…

I’m going to surrender…
I still don’t know what I am, what am I suppose to do, but I’m going to embrace this new freedom, this one feels different, means stability, means support, confidence…
So I surrender, here and now… in this moment I surrender…

no one

no one gets to see what i became!..
in a horrible, twist pearson, hiding in a useless corps...
without a purpese i wonder the empty streets of my heart, my so many times broken heart.., taken away every piece for those who tought that could handle it. they take everything thats good, but they don't stay to see the bad.. they all run away, living my soul, every time more nacked, and cold....
no one sticks around to see wht i am really, beside my so disastrous corp...
so i guess i am meant to be alone.. UAU... it's good to know, that no one really cares, not in that special caring way...
prettendig it's the hard's part...
maybe a decent goodbye would make everything harder mas easy, hard to say, but easy to forget..
oh god so weak i am... so powerless... so insignificant..

Perdida... desorientada...

Ando pelas ruas.. sem destino.. quase sem alma... arrancada por aqueles a quem eu dediquei tempo da minha inutil vida, por aqueles que eu tentei marcar, mas apenas eles me marcaram a mim... vagueio... pensando que preciso de pensar menos em coisas que nao fazem sentido, tento sempre arranjar uma justificaçao... mas a unica que me vem a cabeça, é que eu nao sou suficiente para ninguem... que nao mereço nada, pois por mais que faça so falho...
Entao o que me resta é vaguear pelas ruas finjindo que sou algo mais, mas ao mesmo tempo nao sendo nada...
Como é que cheguei aqui ???Para onde vou??? O que é suposto fazer?! O que sou eu realmente, para alem de um jardim estragado e seco para uma alma crua e fria..??
Insisto em fazer perguntas a uma mente em desvaneio, a um corpo vazio.
Invejo aqueles que têm quem os compreenda, ou mesmo aqueles que nao têm, mas nao sentem falta... pois sozinha todas as minhas revoltas se tornam ainda mais pesadas....
Desejo a todos os que me abandonaram, uma melhor vida, pois foi por isso que partiram... Lamento os momentos em que lhes falhei, e fico aqui neste canto escuro com o que me resta, ocupando o tempo com pensamentos evitando descobrir vezes e vezes sem conta a mesma justificaçao, o mesmo problema.!
Pois estarei sempre perdida... desonrientada....

okay

when i don't need everybody comes...

when i don't wantt to everybody comes..

but i don't want everybody i just want you...

but maybe you don't want me...!

and i'm sad..!! i'm really sad...!!

--------------------------------

i'm worried i like to see my own blood just let it flow...

i mess it up again.. but you don't give a crap.. you going to leave me anyaway..

you going to leave heart breaked...~thanks anyaway



[please don't leave me....]

those days!

Today is one of those days...
where nothing makes sence...
feel so little so insignificant...!!
----------------------------------------

Very little

P!nk - Please Don't Leave Me

Da da da da, da da da da

Da da da, da da

Da da da, da da

I don't know if I can yell any louder

How many time I've kicked you outta here?

Or said something insulting?

Da da da, da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be

I am capable of really anything

I can cut you into pieces

But my heart is broken

Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me

Please don't leave me

I always say how I don't need you

But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?

What is it with you that makes me act like this?

I've never been this nasty

Da da da, da da

Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?

The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest

But baby I don't mean itI mean it, I promise

Da da da, da da

Please don't leave me

Oh please don't leave me

I always say how I don't need you

But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me

I cannot be without, you're my perfect little punching bag

And I need you, I'm sorry

Da da da, da da

Da da da da, da da da da

Da da da, da da

Please, please don't leave me(Da da da, da da)Baby please don't leave me

(Da da da, da da)

No, don't leave me

Please don't leave me no no no

You say I don't need you

But it's always gonna come right back

It's gonna come right back to this

Please, don't leave me

Please don't leave me, oh no no no.

I always say how I don't need you

But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me

Baby, please, please don't leave me

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

no longer the same

Life is fragil...
Love is hard...
I'm not the same...
My head is heavy...
My chest is bleeding each day more and more...
I'm running out of options...
Maybe its better this way... i'm not supost to be happy...!!
i going to let it go!!

i want to be alone... there is no one who can understand... i can't do this anymore...
io can't.. i'm going to give up..!
please forgive me ... but i'm going to give up!
you left me alone... you left alone just like every one else...!
i can't do it anymore... i'm sorry i can't... i'm sick of suffering!


i'm sorry!!

silence 4 - angel song

This is me with another nervous breakdown

My pressure dropped, this body went with it

Memory fails, I'm feeling claustrophobic

I scream my silent pain in this big plain

There's no one here

Tell me who is there now

Who is there with you

I'm taking no calls unless it's her voice

I'm seeing no one unless it's herI open the mailbox every hour

Maybe I'll hit the postman

I want to hear some love words

But not in that dyslexic voice

No I won't tear apart for you

But I was given no choice

I guess I was trying to keep me alive

But once I was dead there's was nothing to do beside

Picking me up and lying me down

Waiting for some angel

To wake me and say to me:

"Hello. Don't be scared. I want you to know, you're not dead."

Kiss me, is this a dream?

Should I believe it?

Please promise to me that I'm not going to get hurt this time

Am I too good for you, am I just paranoid?

Should I get clinical or should I speak louder?

Maybe I should close my eyes for years

And wait for the strongest feeling

Out of all the feelings

To raise from youI guess

I was trying to keep me alive

But once I was dead there's was nothing to do beside

Picking me up and lying me down

Waiting for some angel

To wake me and say to me:"Hello. Don't be scared. I want you to know, you're not dead."

Kiss me, is this a dream?

Should I believe it?

Please promise to me that I'm not going to get hurt this time

Am I real? are you real? is this real?

What's real?Am I real? are you real? is this real?

Tell me, what's real?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

nothing else to say!

...

Morrer, só se morre só. O moribundo se isola numa redoma de vidro, ele e a sua agonia. Nada ajuda nem acompanha. (Rachel de Queiroz)


Se deixo errar meus pensamentos, não encontro ninguém. O melhor, afinal de contas é a morte. (Lou Andreas Salomé)

-------------------------------------------------------------------
maybe i should give up...
i think about it every day...
i can't...
:'(

Lamento... [hug me tight]

Lamento todos aqueles que tentaram chegar a mim e falharam...

lamento todas aquelas noites que passei a chorar e a castigar me por querer ser melhor...

lamento as vezes que precisaram de mim e eu nao fui suficiente...

lamento ter magoado quem magoei...

lamento nao conseguir ser aquilo que querem que eu seja...

lamento as pessoas que me abandonaram e que desistiram de mim..

lamento sentir este medo e esta agonia todos os dias ao acordar...

lamento ter o desejo continuo de querer desistir...

lamento nao conseguir viver mais ainda..

lamento sofrer tanto por tantas coisas...

lamento querer chorar cada vez mais...

lamento pensar que tudo e importante...

simplesmente Lamento...

--------------------------------------------------------

nao tenho mais tempo a perder...

nao sejas hipocrita... eu sei que podes confiar em mim... e quero que confies...

lembra te nao faças como os outros...

Não me Abandones...

[Hug me more... ]

freedom?

I say that i’m free...
But really my life has become a confusion with worms and big monkeys, floating in my dark, creative, stupid, and paranoid little mind...
I try to imagine my life without them, in a world where no one can touch me, nothing can mess me up... but then i look around and nothing is the way it’s supposed to be...
So am i really free?
I’m stuck between these words, in this body, trying to reach the top by being ME... probably this makes me a fake showing, something that i pretend that i have...
Maybe i think too much, maybe i try too hard... i don’t Know!! [?]
Here i am, using the “I” as many times as i can count, when the world out there is a mess...
But i´m just a person, of this world, and i can’t fix it alone...
So insignificant, so little, in the middle of nothing... but here i am...
HERE I AM.....

-----------------------------------------------------------------
most of the people don't know the real me...
maybe it's for the best....

the light...

Today i saw the light...
No i didn’t almost die, i just felt alive for once...
Not from doing something crazy, but from seeing what i have left to do in this world..
I’m so young; I’m going to do so much more...
I realised that: “I’m not ready to give up yet... they didn’t defeat after all ”
(It’s good, no wait it’s great, to go from where i was to this simple thought, [i've been so lost] ...)
I almost felt the bottom again, and then i woke up, in this bright morning...
And realised that I want to go to the beach one more time, i want to see the sunshine again, i want to go out with my friends, i want to find out who’s made for me...
I don’t know how many hours or a day this “weird, nostalgic fase” will last, tomorrow i can go depressed again, that’s why i made this note, to remind myself...
Today i saw the light!!
And i felt like i deserve to be accepted...
Could this be hOpe?? Or it’s just the pills i’ve been taking...?
I don’t know.. but today i don’t really care.. i was able to enjoy a simple song, able to enjoy the sun.. The stupid simple little things... these things can keep us alive..
I felt myself... just mE!!

(now to the bottom again...)
Like He said there is no perfect Balance...
-------------------------------------------------

tantas coisas que me ocorreram a escrever isto.. mas so consegui canalizar estas ideias!

para o proximo mais.. ja aprendi muito!

Deolinda - Clandestino

A noite vinha fria
Negras sombras a rondavam
Era meia-noite
E o meu amor tardava

A nossa casa, a nossa vida
Foi de novo revirada
À meia-noite
O meu amor não estava

Ai, eu não sei aonde ele está
Se à nossa casa voltará
Foi esse o nosso compromisso

E acaso nos tocar o azar
O combinado é não esperar
Que o nosso amor é clandestino

Com o bebé, escondida,
Quis lá eu saber, esperei
Era meia-noite
E o meu amor tardava

E arranhada pelas silvas
Sei lá eu o que desejei:
Não voltar nunca...
Amantes, outra casa...

E quando ele por fim chegou
Trazia flores que apanhou
E um brinquedo pró menino

E quando a guarda apontou
Fui eu quem o abraçou
O nosso amor é clandestino.

--------------------------------------------

simplesmente Brilhante.. adoro!!

Nao perguntem porque!

Gostaria de te tirar todo o peso que sentes, tirar te toda a dor e fazer te sentir as maravilhas do mundo, mostrar te que há mais e que vale a pena...

quero proteger te, quero simplesmente que sejas feliz, mas como nao me é possivel concretizar todos estes queros, digo te simplesmente que tens todo o meu apoio, carinho, compaixao, nunca te vou deixar sozinha!

--------------------------------------------

Para as minhas duas joanas...!!

adorovos apesar de nao o mostrar na totalidade..!

"know that you're crying,
I know how many pieces of you are dying.

I know how much it hurts to see them go,
I know that you hate it, when the tears decide to flow.

I know that you feel so alone,
I know that you're lost inside your own home.

I know that you've tried... and tried,
I know that it was all for nothing... if not all cast aside.

I know that no one seems to care,
I know that nothing around you seems fair.

I know what it is you're going through,
But I know of an angel... crying with you."


-------------------------------------------------------
nao sei quem foi que escreveu isto, nem se fui eu nao, numa de limpeza dos meus documentos e encontrei isto.. sensibilizou me.. nao entendo bem porque.. mas sensibilizou!

É dificil encontrar alguém que nos consiga comprender porque ja passou pelo mesmo...
Quando encontramos é dificil convencer essa pessoa a ficar porque talvez ate valemos a pena...
ja nao sei.. fiquei sem soluçoes para a merda de escolhas que fiz na merda da minha vida...
mas depois dá me vontade de fugir, para longe, sem destino, começar de novo sem desistir, e tentar nao fazer as mesmas escolhas... para poder saber se algum dia deixarei alguma coisa boa de mim neste mundo...

be with you...

[when i'm with him...]

time keeps passing by...

while he plays with my fingers...

i listen to his voice...

whispering in my hears....

words i never forget...

and he old's me in his arms...

making me feel the saffest person..

but time keeps passing by...

non stoping!!

don't leave me...

emptyness (pain in the chest) -saudade-

Every footstep you give, every time your picture appears, every time i look at your very distant eyes, my heart dyes a little bit more. It’s just another stab with a knife that i take...
Horrible! i can even think any more... it hurts... but it’s my entire fault, i’m too unbearable, too agonises, too weird.. in the end too weak!
i will never forget, that night when you left, at the front of my house... all alone, crying my heart out... the tears runing through my face, i never felt so insignificant, so little in this big scary, and dark world!! i will never forget it...
Now you made your choice... i’m not coming back... no matter what, you hurt me deep... really bad... my heart is always bleeding...no way i can stop this mess...!!
All i have left are our good and sometimes painful memories... you and me in the rain.. you and me walking like there was no tomorrow!! It’s all i have left!!

this and the feeling of emptyness.. like it's not worth it to keep going... no more figthing (for what??) whats the point you are all going to die!!